The madness of a Demented Unicorn

Just a song for now

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 07:18:16 GMT

"Fine Again"

It seems like every day’s the same
and I’m left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there’s no color to behold
They say it’s over and I’m fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober feels like I’m dying here

And I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well

I feel the dream in me expire
and there’s no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar
‘cause I can’t seem to get this through
You say it’s over, I can sigh again, yeah
Why try to stay sober when I’m dying here

And I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late; just as well

And I’m not scared now.
I must assure you,
you’re never gonna get away
And I’m not scared now.
And I’m not scared now. No…

I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well
I am prepared now,
seems everything’s gonna be fine for me
For me; for myself.
For me, for me, for myself
For me, for me, for myself

Hi

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 20:04:10 GMT

Just updating to say I'm alive.

Some good news at last

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 17:02:21 GMT

Jon and I finally are moved out on our own, out of the shitty condo that was falling apart and full of fleas into a cute little cottage that's affordable and perfect. The moving process is annoying but it's well worth it. I don't remember if I mentioned this but over the summer we resucued a dog. Since our new home dosen't allow cats my mother took them and we have my dog Scrappy, a lazy adorable little pekingese mix. He's a little fancy dog who hates walking on grass. Needless to say he and the yard aren't getting on to well. But other then that things are great, my prayers we're finally answered. Also I haven't done dex in two months. The addiction thing is fading fast. I just saw what it did to me finally I guess. Yeah I do miss it at times, but my life is better without it.

Well,

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 20:28:55 GMT

You'd think once I hit my twenties my homicidal hatred of my mother would have lessened if not disappeared entirely, but no, she doesn't help herself. If she would learn that she is a fucking chronic hoarder, a sadisitic anal retentive whore, and that her picking on me isn't fair, maybe we'd be okay, but she never stops picking on me, she just keeps on hitting with her negativity and never relenting. I swear, if the end to law ever comes, I am going to slowly and brutally kill her.

No words, just a song of me

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 21:36:23 GMT

Life before the Lobotomy

Dreaming
I am only dreaming
Of another place and time
Where my family's from

Singing
I can hear them singing
When the rain have washed away
All the scattered dreams

Dying
Everyone's reminded
Hearts are washed in misery
Drenched in gasoline

Laughter
There is no more laugher
Songs of yesterday
Now live in the underground

Life before the lobotomy
Christian sang the eulogy
Sing my love a lost memory
Run the end of the century

Well, it's enough to make you sick
To cast a stone and throw a brick
When the sky is falling down
It burned your dreams into the ground

Christian's lesson is what he's been sold
We are normal and self-controlled
Remember to learn to forget
Whiskey shots and cheap cigarettes

Well I'm not stoned
I'm just fuck up
I got so high I can't stand up
I'm not cursed 'cause I've been blessed
I'm not in love 'cause I'm a mess

Like refugees
We are lost like refugees
Like refugees
We are lost like refugees
The brutality of reality
Is the freedom that keeps me from

Dreaming
I am only dreaming
Of another place and time
Where my family's from

Singing
I can hear them singing
When the rain have washed away
All the scattered dreams

Dying
Everyone's reminded
Hearts are washed in misery
Drenched in gasoline

Laughter
There is no more laugher
Songs of yesterday
Now live in the underground

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 23:15:27 GMT

I got a dog, a rescue who is five. he's the perfect dog and I love him to death.
My PC charger and cell phone charger are both broken. I've been going to my parent's cottage to use their computer, but it's sucks,

My song for this week:
imaginary

Ah, paper flowers
Ah, paper flowers

I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clocks screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops, as they're falling tell a story

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby (flowers)
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me (flowers)

Don’t say I’m out of touch
With this rampant chaos - your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
The nightmare I built my own world to escape

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby (flowers)
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me (flowers)

Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh, how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby (flowers)
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me (flowers)

(Ah, Paper flowers)
(Ah, paper flowers)

So yeah

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 05:40:24 GMT

I've been hanging out with Raf and my brother in law Sean a lot. We're going to be signing a six month lease at the condo, and Raf is coming to live with us. I have given up on most of humanity and desided having two good friends who have never hurt me is good enough, I haven't seen Doom lately which is killing me, I miss him a lot. We smoke and have a good time. My dex addiction is an up hill down hill battle, if someone is here with me watching me all the time, I don't do it, but the minute I'm alone, I run to the store and fuck up. I have found nothing yet that makes me feel better like being high. Jon still dosen't know and I doubt he'll ever understand. I just can't cope with life anymore, no one is real, or trust worthy anymore, and you can't ask anyone for help because they all have their own issuses. That's why I started therpy again, because I need someone who can just listen. I told her everything and she seems to just want to help me. It feels so good. I just don't know where to being. What to do. I try and draw, but I've got really bad art block. I just can't wait to go camping with my brother again and drink and forget the world exsists. Sean is the only one in Jon's family who loves me, and has told me so. He will be hiring Jon during the off season and I hope Jon likes the job so he'll start learning a trade, to suport us. I also have decided to become a vegitarian. Mainly because I just can't say I respect animals more then people and eat them. So yeah, life sucks and then you die.

Ah, look at all the lonely people
Ah, look at all the lonely people

Eleanor rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been
Lives in a dream
Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from ?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong ?

Father mckenzie writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear
No one comes near.
Look at him working. darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there
What does he care?

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?

Eleanor rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name
Nobody came
Father mckenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
No one was saved

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?

If you dont know who wrote this song kill yourself now.

All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?

This song is about me, really

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 22:17:33 GMT

Half Jack
The Dresden Dolls
half underwater
i'm half my mother's daughter
a fraction's left up to dispute
the whole collection
half off the price they're asking
in the halfway house of ill repute

half accidental
half pain
full instrumental
i have a lot to think about
you think they're joking?
you have to go provoke him...
i guess it's high time you found out

it's half biology and half corrective surgery gone wrong
you'll notice something funny if you hang around here for too
long ago in some black hole before they had these pills to take it back
i'm half jill
and half jack

two halves are equal
a cross between two evils
it's not an enviable lot
but if you listen
you'll learn to hear the difference
between the halves and the half nots

and when i let him in i feel the stitches getting sicker
i try to wash him out but like they say, "the blood is thicker..."
i see my mother in my face
but only when i travel
i run as fast as i can run
but jack comes tumbling after

and when i'm brave enough and find a clever way to kick him out
and i'm so high not even you and all your love could bring me down
on 83rd he never found the magic words to change this fact:
i'm half jill
and half jack

i'm halfway home now
half hoping
for a showdown
cause i'm not big enough to house this crowd
it might destroy me
but i'd sacrifice my body
if it meant i'd get the jack part out

see!see!
jack!jack!
run!run!
jack!jack!
run!run!
jack!jack!
run!run!
jack!jack!
see!see!
jack!jack!
run!jack!jack!run!
run!see!
jack!jack!
see!run!
run!see!
see!run!
jack!jack!
see!run!
jak!jack!
run!run!
jack!jack!
jack!see!
run!jack!
see!run!
jack!see!
run!jack!jack!run!
run!jack!jack!run!
RUN!JACK!RUN!--

Oh god I love benadrill.
I saw Fear and Loathing in Las Vagas and now my goal is to go to Vegas and do tons of drugs.
I've offically given up dex, because I almost ODed. Don't ask I was being dumb.
I haven't been online much but I'm still alive.
Yeah.

Apperently

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 00:53:43 GMT

I'm a drug addict
I'm a psycho
I'm innocent
I'm guity
I'm a good friend
I'm a bad friend
I'm the kindest person in the world
But I'm no better then a screaming child.
I'm a loser, a dead beat hippie visionary, mother, daughter,father.
I'm a butterfly in the breeze.
I'm a schizophrenic little girl who believes in goblins and fairies and ghost.
I am Alice I fell through the looking glass, and I have a butcher knife in hand.
I am not from "your world"
I am a goblin a child of God and Nature and Chaos.
I laugh in the face of the savage garden
because I am a splendid devil and a sour angel
My hope. my love my greed, my fears, my life my song,
I am a rainbow alive and chaotic a riot of noises and colors,and if you cross me
you'll meet my claws for the dankest hate the darkest rage the violentest fury upon you be.
If you cross me the ghosts and demons of nature and life will cascade upon you.
They will haunt you for 1000 life times, if your souls are even worth it.
I am a box of stories, souls, and ragged toys.
But above all, I am Sunshine,
I smile like a child with flowers in my hair
with blood on my hands into the sun I stare I feel it die.
and I cry
Like the scream of the butterfly.
And in the end if you can live with all this. YOU are alive and one with me.

Poisoned Apple

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 01:45:43 GMT

Ball of pain,barbed wire paper cuts, rape, names, fear, pain pain and only pain will bring us together, lights in my eyes, puzzle peices, missing peeices, Live bettter, do as I say not as I do monkey see monkey dooo~~
Angel's breath upon my name, Gabrelle, save me from myself.I am addictive pain is god
GOD
GOD
Wires and beams and stems of dead boy's regin in my little ball of pain
Drink unto me I love noththingness.
WHAT AM I?
A broken doll without a home a home a home

----------------
Now playing: Dir en grey - Kodou
via FoxyTunes

So...

Sun, 31 May 2009 06:41:29 GMT

I lost two friends again, and after it happening for the I donno, fourth time, it really dosen't hurt anymore, no details, it's not like anyone reads this thing anyways. I've gotten a big slap of life, right in the face, and I just don't care. Life for me is now about three things: Jon, Art and Drugs. IN THAT ORDER. It's time for me to be selfish, after all I've given away.

Fuckity Fuck Mcfuckerson

Wed, 27 May 2009 18:11:29 GMT

I'm fucking going insane, I feel like my only way to escape has been taken away. Dex was all I had, and now I can't do it, and it seems so unfair.
I know I was addicted, and in a way still am, but I can't take the pain anymore. I would do ANYTHING else if I could get it readily and it stopped this, I need weed or booze or any other way out. I live everyday with voices in my head, voices of the bullies who beat and raped me, my mother yelling all the time, a little voice that puts me down, another one that says horrible things about everyone, and lastly, one who begs CONSTANTLY for drugs, a depressed little weeping voice that caused me to relapse, and I can't take it.
Jon is working so hard for us, working at his job to keep our house and make sure I'm safe, trying to heal what happened to me, fix me, but he doesn't seem to realize that the wounds are all I have, anymore. I try to be happy and perfect for him, because he's hurting too, but it's damn near impossible. I just wish this would get better, that he would trust me not to go crazy with the drugs like I did. He agreed I could do it once a week, not to escape pain, but to have fun. But he has to see me do it first, to see if I freak out, which I won't, I will not. I'm just so alone, and I hate it. I need this hole in my heart to go away, but it seems like it never will
, How is is all the people who hurt me get to live normal good lives, and I can't even function in normal society, can't live without drugs or medication, how is it I have to live with the pain, and they get away. I want them to suffer, everyone of them, even though I know it's my fault they hurt me, if I just would have conformed, just been a normal human like them, this would never have happened. And the worst part is, I don't even really have a right to complain because everyone else had a worse life then me, and it is a fucking contest. Everyone else had it worse, and I was spoiled and had parents, weather they loved me or not I still don't know, but they were there, it's just so fucking dumb. I hate myself more then anything because I'm so fucking weak and can't help anyone. I try and only end up losing friends, and hurting Jon. Cloud left because I was a drug addict, weather Jon believes it or not, he did. Morgan left because I wasn't good enough to be her best friend. And all I do is hurt Kris and Jen, and I love them both more then life, Jen, the last time I saw her, got mad when I hugged her. Because Kris and I did dex, Jon blacked out because he took too much clonapan on accident and said yes, when he didn't even know what he was awnsering and now I'm scared she hates us. Kris is all I have, and it's be enough I need her, because she's a lot worse off them me. I mean dex isn't heroin, not by a long shot. I just don't know who to turn to anymore. I need this pain to end, and I only see one way out, and I can't have it. I've tried every single other activity and idea to distract myself from reality, and Twilight worked, but I was still sad, even if the reading took me away. I need Jon so bad right now, I just want one box of triple c's that's all. Maybe if he sees I can take it once, and live with it, he'll let me have my little controled habit. He aplogized last night for takeing dex away from me, knowing it's my only escape.
I pity him for having me as a wife.

EXCUSE THE WHINEY EMO RANT PLZ

Song of the day:
Breaking the Habit
Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
(unless I try to start again)

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm
Breaking the habit
Tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this
I'll never be alright
So I'm
Breaking the habit
Breaking the habit
Tonight

Sunny Character Survey

Sun, 24 May 2009 22:32:04 GMT

My first character Sunny's Survey
Profile Survey #1: The Basics

How well do you the basics of your character? Take this quiz and find out!

    *

      What is your character's full name?
Sunny Haku Shirubi
    *

      How old is your character throughout the majority of the story?
Around 117
    *

      Date of birth?
1389 January 29th
    *

      Place of birth?
    * Kyoto Japan

      Male or Female?
    *Female

      Current Address?
    * Kuzuroku Japan

      How many brothers/sisters does your character have? Older? Younger? Which one is he/she closest to?
    * She has two half brothers and two full brothers, Inu-Kun, Sessho-Maru, are half. Morgan and Kemo are her full. She and Inu Yasha are very close.

      What is your character's overall health like?
    * All right, she's a demon after all so she's pretty hearty

      What type of personality does your character have?
    * She's extremely nice, but quick to anger, and uses her emotions for guidance a little to quickly. She's very religous, a Shinto Shrine Maiden, and loves her family.

      Zodiac sign?
    * Aquarius

      Chinese zodiac sign?
    * D: I'd say dragon?

      Lives with?
    * Currently, her third husband Onigumo, her son Devaki, son Rowan, daughters Ichigo and Sealine, daughter in law Loral, and Grandson Raven.

      Marital status?
    *Married

      Ethnic background?
Japanese and Chinese

How does your character live his/her life? Are you sure you really know? Answer these questions to find out:

Note: for each answer, be sure you can also explain why your character "picked" that answer.

    * Preferred nickname?
She just goes by Sunny, her name. She dosen't really like any other names.
    * Current occupation?
She's done a little of everything. Manga artist, singer, cafe manager, Shrine Madin, and free lance art teacher. She have varied intrests and was so faceinated with the modern world that she
    * Dream occupation he/she wishes to do?
She wanted to be a pop star...Why I have no idea. She likes karaiyoki a little too much.
    * Occupation he/she finds the most revolting and would never do?
Anything that's underhanded or cruel. She's be the worst mod-boss ever. "Shall we make him sleep with the fishes?" "NO! That's terrible, just make him say sorry :3"
    * Religion raised as by parents?
Shinto and Buddist.
    * Religion now conforms to?
Same, she's a shrine maden.
    * Political affiliation(s)?
She hates America. That's about it
    * Type of education received? Current education level?
She's well read, being born from a royal family.
    * Hometown?
She considers Kuzuroku to be her hometown.
    * Has/wants children?
She has seven.
    * Has/wants pets?
She has a ton of cats, and a three eyed fying cow named Jim.

Profile Survey #3: Hobbies

    * What does he/she like to do in his/her spare time?
She loves to cook and bake, as well as play video games, and play with her Grandchildren.
    * How many hobbies does he/she have?
A lot.
    * Are these hobbies old (from childhood) or new?
She loves art because of watching her mother do flower arrangement.
    * Do the hobbies take up a lot of time or cost a lot of money?
Not really. Cooking can be a bit costly.
    * Does he/she follow through on the hobbies or does he/she start a lot of projects and never finish any of them? She teds to finish things, very quickly.

----------------
Now playing: The Birthday Massacre - Violet
via FoxyTunes

So

Sun, 24 May 2009 22:28:12 GMT

I haven't been doing much lately at all, just kinda hanging in there. My new meds are working really good, and I'm working on getting over my addiction to DXM, which is going okay. Jon is so supportive, as Kris had been, and life is going okay. I've gotten a few more pets since I last wrote, a gerbal named Frizbee, and a hermit crab named Herman. He's got a pink shell with white streaks all over it and is a suprisingly curious and friendly little thing. Jon had a huge fight with my dad last night, and my dad punched him, it scared the shit out of me, loads of cursing and shit, it was crazy. Things seem better now. I've also become a huge Twilight fag, as my icon shows, and have adopted, thanks again to Kris the nickname Alice Cullen, as I call Kris Bella, it's lolzy. I saw my buddy Danielle and tried two c e, I believe it's called. The stuff kicks ass, though prolonged use can put holes in your brain. My mother still will not move out, which is pissing me off, but hopefully she'll be out soon so Kris and Jen, and my puppy Sadie can come home.
The kittens just turned one, and all of them are doing well my little serogate children <3
Just thought I'd update.
Peace :3

----------------
Now playing: Fall Out Boy - Hum Hallelujah
via FoxyTunes

In light of a psychotic break down

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 02:27:50 GMT

I almost killed my two dearest friends, paranoid schizophrenia is not fun. I believed at the time that they we're abandoning me and that they hated me. And that they thought I was like a certain someone we all hate. I asked them if they'd met Morgan and Cloud (The ex-BFFs) and why they'd listen to the voices. Now mind you I'm on like no meds right now because my Doctor wanted to start me fresh to put me on new meds. I wish I was on Xanex or Litihum or Adderal. All three would be great. I need strong stuff if I'm gonna survive this. Probelm is I can't just tell her "Hey so ah I tried some of my friend's adderall and her lithium and it made me feel better so can I have those plz." Because then she'd think I was a drug seeking nutcase.
I'm basically self medicating from trip to trip on DXM, and doing my normal tiny doses of clonapan and geodon in between but that isn't enough.
I need strong anti-depressents and/or mood stablizers because I'm going out of my mind with stuff. and my ADHD has gotten HORRIBLE GRRR CAPS LOCK. I can't read a book or sit still or listen to someone talk without out bursting and twtiching, I was on adderal in my sothmore year of high school so she might put me back on it, but it makes some schizos freak out. But I can't tell her I took it and was okay. There's the delema.
Also I've been worried about Jon, he thinks everyone hates him, even Kris and Jen, who adore him. He just feels like he's a horrible person and a bad brother, but it's not true and I keep telling him that but he dosn't listen. He's got a job now, that he likes, and I think he'll excell in. but now we have a place to live, money and friends, now we just have to work on ourselves, and cleaning the fuck out of this house. Currently I'm waitng for Kris and Jen to get home so we can hang out and stuff, because Jen finally got a car, so we can really get moveing on getting my parent's out of the house.
Song for today:
[3x]Only once the drugs are done
That I feel like dying, I feel like dying

I am sittin on the clouds
I got smoke coming from my seat
I can play basketball with the moon
I got the whole world at my feet
Playin’ touch football on Marijuana Street
Or in a marijuana field
You are so beneath my cleats
Get high, so high that I feel like lying
Down in a cigar
Roll me up & smoke me cause
I feel like dying

[2x]Only once the drugs are done
That I feel like dying, I feel like dying

Swimming laps around a bottle of Louis The 13th
Jumping off of a mountain into a sea of Codeine
I’m at the top of the top but still I climb
And if I should ever fall, the ground will then turn to wine
Pop, Pop, I feel like flying, then I feel like frying, then I feel like dying

[2x]Only once the drugs are done
That I feel like dying, I feel like dying

I can mingle with the stars & throw a party on Mars
I am a prisoner locked up behind Xanax bars
I have just boarded a plane without a pilot
And violets are blue,
Roses are red
Daisies are yellow,
The flowers are dead
Wish I can give you this feeling that I feel like buying
And if my dealer don’t have no more, then I feel like dying

[2x]Only once the drugs are done
That I feel like dying, I feel like dying

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 01:30:15 GMT

To My mother, she'll never read but it feels good to hear it:
Thirty licks with a belt; same old tricks on myself.
And I wonder: Does everyone else live this way?
A succession of tests, a triumphant success,
Each time, I'm still in-tact, at the end of the day.

Thirty drops in a glass, keep my temper and pass
With my breath held. You bastards, you lucked out again!
It's not really so bad. There’s still mom, there’s still
Damage to do before they wrest the axe from my hands.

It's no mystery: you should obviously go,
Before I break everything.
You’re always telling me that you're dying to know;
But you’re not really listening.

How do I manage to station myself in harms way,
And only get hit with a ticket for loitering...
That I have no way to pay? And no strength to argue.
My personal demons can scheme with professional care...
Oh, god, they're after me!
If I could shut them out just for a second,
I swear:
I could stop this catastrophe.

Thirty day guarantee,
But they can't have meant me.
After all, I was born to a child-proof world.
No sharp corners, or glass,
Small objects, or plastic bags.
Please, these are death to a delicate girl.

It's no mystery - you should obviously know
That I’ll destroy everything.
So don't go telling me that you're dying to know-
'Cause you’ll get what you're asking for.

And I still manage to station myself in harm's way,
And only get hit with a ticket for loitering,
Stating I came the wrong day.
Now all the demons are screaming, their wages aren't fair.
I've left a secret kept.
If I could shut them up just for a second, I swear:
It’ll look like an accident.
I could be decent yet!
The magnificent end:
I could be president....

And then there's
To my Mother
To my Father
It's your son or
It's your daughter
Are my screams
Loud enough for
You to hear me?
Should I turn this up for you?

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
The silence get's us no where
Get's us no where way too fast

The silence
Is what kills me
I need someone
Here to help me
But you don't know
How to listen
And let me make
My decisions

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
The silence get's us no where
Get's us no where way too fast

All your insults
And your curses
Make me feel like I'm not a person
And I feel like
I am nothing
But you make me
So do something

Cause I'm fucked up
Because you are
Need attention
Attention you couldn't give

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
The silence get's us no where
Get's us no where way too fast

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
The silence get's us no where
Get's us no where way too fast

And fianally :
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
?Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me
With someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

I wish I could tell her.

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 05:31:16 GMT

Generic Survey 1
The Basics
Full Name
Sunny McSunshine
You like it?
Yep I made it up
Birthdate
January 29th 1989
Height/Weight
5'11" 240lbs
Eye Color
Gold
Hair Color
Auburn
Can you...
Drive?
Yep
Drive a manual?
Yep
Touch your nose with your tongue?
I wish
Cook?
I can mircowave and toaster stuff
Dance?
I get my sheep on
Sing?
I've had twelve years of singing practice
Sew?
I made dollies and boxers
Speak another language?
Je parle le pettie fracnes
Have you ever...
Eaten sushi?
Love it
Been in love?
I am currently in love with three people
Skipped school?
Yep
Made prank calls?
Duh
Done illegal drugs?
All the time
Stolen something worth more than ?
Some day I made 500$ hauls
Flashed someone?
Lol Yep
Been drunk?
All the mother fucking time
Eaten squid?
Yummy
Been to New York City?
I love Broadway
Been to London?
Best City in the World
Favorite
Drink
Pina Coolata
Soda
Dr Pepper
Food
Chinese Food
Restaurant
Sho Gun Japanse Food
Color
Pink and Green
Artist
Green Day, Beatles, Dresden Dolls
Album
Warning
Website
www.subeta,com
The Last
Person to hit you
Jon
Person you wanted to hit
Jen
Person you hugged
Kris
Person you kissed
Jon
Person you wanted to kiss you
Jen
Country you've been in
Besides US Italy
Car you've driven
My car Sir Didamus
Law you've broken
Shoplifting
Thing you ate
Uhhh
Thing you drank
Apple Juice
Thing you said
My head hurts
Book you read
Watership Down
Show you watched
Gundam Double 00

Soo

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 21:36:45 GMT

I'm snowed in.
Never thought I'd hear those words again.
NJ doesn't normally get snow.
Kris and Jen are stuck at our house, wee.
I'm tripping balls.
It's amazing watching Thirteenth Ghost again,
haven't seen it, in years.
And it inspired so much in me in High School.
I just want my mom out so we can live.

Wow

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 11:01:32 GMT

It's 5 am, and in the past week I've come to some how believe in God, prayer and hope, through laughter, horror moives and copius amounts of drugs and alcohaul. I've been lied to, stolen from, saved, kept up, worried, happy, sad, terrified, enraptured and joyful all at once.
I finally after almost two years of suffering know my real diagnosis. I am a rare case of an Asperger's Syndrome patient who devloped schzoprhenia through years of systematic abuse.
WOW, that's a mouthful.
And now I sit, worried sick, freezeing cold and tired. And I now have a place I belong.

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 06:11:30 GMT

Yesterday, it had snowed in my area and I was upstairs in alone in my room.Jon had gone downstairs to get a drink, and it was about three a.m.
As I looked out my door I suddenly saw a woman, standing there. She was blue, and her clothes, which were nothing more then rags were caked with ice.
I remember her lips were white as were her eyes, it was as if a frost bitten corpse was standing in my door way. I screamed, and Jon flew up the stairs, but the strange apparition was gone before I could have a witness.
I grew up in a haunted house, with a violent ghost, that would scratch and slap us, but since we moved two years ago, I haven't seen one this clearly.
It unnerved me.

LSD, Death and Rebirth

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 17:49:29 GMT

I wasn't sure what to expect from a tiny tab of paper, pulled from a little tin labeled mint, but I can't even begin to explain it.
Acid, is like being reborn, you start as an infant, everything wonderus, free and lovely, and go through life and death and rebirth.
I know now that everything I've feared cannot hurt me, everything I love will not leave me, and I have never been crazy, the things I see are a part of who I am and that's that.

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 01:59:35 GMT

Soooo, summer's been kinda blah, just waiting for it to end.
I always miss school so much, even though I have been running errands and doing things around the house.
A lot's been going on in the life O'Sunny lately.
I've been really hit hard by my depression and I decided that I would like to go back to therapy.
I feel it'll help me lift off some of mt burdens, and you know, have an outside support besides Jon and friends that love me, because let's face it, you need it sometimes.
I've been losing weight :D WHOOT. I went from 315 to 290 in three weeks, between swimming and drinking a lot more tea.
Jon and I are both doing well, and we're looking to spend a little more time up north during the school year with Joyice his mom, and Ricky his step dad, because they've been really helping us a lot.
Plus we both miss Raf like crazy.
He's our little tranny spic, who sleeps on our floor and scores up weed, and we love him.
I also found out karma is a bitch, especally when you're mean to me.
Morgan got busted for stealing five boxes of tripple C's, and then tried to blame it on Cloud, so he dumped her.
All I have to say: "AHAHHHHHAHAHHHHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
ha-He-Ah- And I thought my jokes were bad".
I still feel lonely alot, but the fact I'm seeing my friend Kris tomorrow makes me feel better.
I love you all and I hope you're well.
Love always my friends-
Sunshine

Curiouser and Cuisouser

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 17:21:00 GMT

So, I randomly, went on to Morgan's DA page, and this is what I find in her journal:
"Some big things are going on in my life right now, real big things, like... you have no fucking idea what I'm going through.

Because of it I am partly forced to be away from the internet for a little while... maybe I'll get some gift art and things done.

Let's face it, I'm a wreck right now, all because of a simple mistake I made, I'm a god damn wreck, so this might be a good solution to be on hiatus for a little while.

Now don't be gloomy or upset, it's not like it makes much differance if I leave or stay, we all know that, but fear not either way, I'll return when I can get ride of all my problems for good and be able to get a decent night sleep without crying my eyes out or getting late midnight calls.

Until I come back, whenever, continue having a great summer and I hope everything is awesome for you all :3

Until then... I'll see ya..."
Now, what I'm wondering, what is this 'simple mistake.'
I spoke to two mutual friends of ours last night, my friend Danielle, I met on LJ and my friend Doom, I met through Danelle, and Doom has been speaking to Morgan.
Morgan lied a whole shit load about what happened trying to get Doom on her side, but since Doom did the right thing and waited to hear my side, the truth, she argees with me about what happened.
I think that it's eather one of two things: Morgan realised she fucked up with me and Jon and there's nothing she can do but come crawling back, but then Cloud would hate her OR) She and him are breaking up.
I could really care less, I'm a bit sadistic in the fact then when you hurt me, I love to hear you're in pain.
I want whatever is happening to her to keep happening.
And maybe then, she'll come back and be the old friend I used to fucking know.

Writer's Block: Last Call

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 22:19:14 GMT

You are on a plane that's about to crash. You have time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call and what do you say?

Submitted By lovelylette_x3

View 501 Answers

Good one, I'd most likely ca,ll Jon if he wasn't already on the plane with me.
And if he was, I'd call my Mom, then tell the the stuwardess to bring me as much alcohol as humanly possible, whip out my smokes, kiss my man, and tell God the ride sucked so bring on the crash and they're had better be some bitching cake in Heaven.

Dark Knight (Mild Spoilers)

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 02:48:27 GMT

I saw it today with my hubby.
We went on a little date, like thing.
And oh god.
That movie just, seriously I came like ten million times.
I was OBSESSED with The Joker as a little girl, I used to love Batman and X Men, because I was such a Tom-Boy, but the Joker, he was always right up there with my favorite characters from American Comics, right along with Night Crawler, and Dream from Sandman <3
Heath Ledger, god rest you, you sexy beast.
Seriously.
Other then Heath's amazing awesome craziness, and the epic amount of explosions, the whole film was just really stunning.
I find it rather funny that the actor who played Nick Nailer from "Thank you for Smoking" (Another Great Moive)
played Two-Face.
Lol.
Although I got kinda pissed because the girl Rachel looked like my ex best friend Ariel.
Same face, just give her glasses and dark red hair.
Speaking of ex best friends.
I've had some drama of late due to Cloud and Morgan being annoying little dick farts.
So yes.
If it wasn't for a certain lady who is at Mystic Realms right now, who made me a Strawberry and Chocolate poptart and a chicken parm sandwich I would be very sads, but I has Chirs and Danielle with her car coming soon and my friend Gabby moving to TR soon. So I may make it XD